Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
my poor anus
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
