Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
