Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
