Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
