You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
