there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
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