so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
