where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
