he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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