I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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