get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I love having hate sex.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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