I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
