I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
