i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
