I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
