I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
