I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
