Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
