Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
