he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
