Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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