He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Someone came in the potted fern
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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