John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
sarcasm needs its own font
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
