Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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