she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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