oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
