sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
