sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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