Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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