my vag is so smooth its legendary
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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