Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
