11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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