I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
