I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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