My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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