Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I am available for nakedness
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
