My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
