I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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