1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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