KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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