Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
