i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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