you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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