lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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