I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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