Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize