Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
