and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm like, not good at living.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
