I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
