I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
