3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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