I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize