My liver just broke up with me...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
