apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
