Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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