Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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