glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
