I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
