I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
