I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize